Thursday, March 24, 2011

My Brain Died...

Animal Crossing makes me angry.  On one hand, it is really, really stupid.  On the other hand, I played it for far more hours than I would admit.  I'm lumping in the GameCube and DS versions together since they are basically the same game with minor tweaks despite the DS version being called a sequel.  Given that I am known the world over for my riveting reviews of Tamagotchi Corner Shop Connection 2 and Kururin Splash, who better qualified than me to review this momumentally idiotic non-game?

Reasons why this game sucks:
1. The graphics:

They are overly cutesy and kinda bad.  Given it was ported from a Japanese N64, this is not surprising.  Regardless, they are targeting directly toward 10-year-old girls who love talking animals with big heads and short tempers.  At least the DS version knew how to compensate for its weaker engine by scrolling the world up or down over the horizon as you walk.  Of course being the DS, the textures are even blurrier and crappier.  Oh well...
2. Arranging furniture is stupid:

This is seriously one of the primary focal points of the game.  You decorate your house, and earn money to make it bigger so you can cram more junk in it.  I found myself trying to decorate with the most grim, depressing stuff I could find.  For wall and floor covering, I settled on a cold, hard stone motif to give it that dungeon vibe.  Going for a while without cleaning causes spiders to build webs in the corners which further enhanced the mood I was going for.  The only other way I was able to entertain myself was by amassing these weird-ass cacti things that made bizarre noises when you walked by them.
3. The townspeople are jerks:

Half the bums in this town are outright rude to you at times and stomp around angry for no good reason.  Even when they aren't sulking and whining for no reason, they are sending you off on dumb errands because they are apparently either incredibly lazy or shut-ins afraid to leave the immediate vicinity of their house.  On rare occasions, you do find them out wandering around in the middle of nowhere for no particular reason.  It makes me just want to shake them violently and demand to know why they needed me to deliver their stupid letters.  Additionally Tom Nook is a shifty slave driver.  As soon as you get off the train to go this town, he greets you, seemingly with no ulterior motive.  He goes so far as to find you a house to live in.  But guess what? Nothing in life is free, particularly when dealing with a sketchy raccoon out to plunge you into severe debt in order to use you as his personal slave in his general store.  Then once you do manage to pay off your mortage, what does he do?  Cons you into buying a bigger house, thereby plunging you into even bigger debt, dooming you to plant flowers and pick fruit for him for years to come!  Tom Nook is Satan.  This is the only conclusion I can draw.  I just kept waiting for the proposition where he offers to completely erase my debt, and all he asks for in return in my immortal soul.  No dice, Nook!
4. Fruit selection is lame:

Why can't my town have the good fruit?  I want coconuts, dang it!  How dare you expect me to get a Gameboy Advance and that stupid link cable just to get them!  Fools!  At least in the DS version, they randomly wash up on shore.  although the "Scour The Beach For Coconuts" game gets old real fast.

Reasons why it's actually kinda neat:
1. It plays in real-time:  This is actually pretty neat because a)It allows spiders to infiltrate my house if I forget to log in after a couple of days, which I envariably do, b) neat stuff happens on holidays like the major giving you random junk to throw in your house and various celebrations and c) people in the village remember your birthday, and I always get a warm and fuzzy feeling when people remember my birthday.
2. NES games!!:

 This is the PRIMARY reason I bought and played this game.  You can actually find items that look like NES's, and once you place them in your house, you can actually play the old NES games right there. It has such awesome stuff as Excitebike and Punch Out!!  In the DS version, you can't really find NES games, but you can find special items that are Nintendo references like the Master Sword and Triforce, which is kinda neat but much lamer than actual Nintendo games.
3. My brain sucks:  My brain compels me to collect things.  Ask my wife.  Our house is full of CDs, DVDs, games, books and all matter of other nonsense.  As a result, I played this game a crap ton more than I had expected to due to all the junk you can collect like bugs, fish, fossils and paintings.  The DS version has more junk to collect, so I actually ended up putting more time into it.  That owl in the museum is annoying though.  I just wanted to mention that.

4. convenience: This is a game that is very easy to pick up and put down.  It requires very little time put into in a single game sitting, so it allowed me to just kind of play in my spare time at my leisure.  I only feel like playing for 10 minutes?  That's ok.  I'll just go dig up a couple of fossils and be done.

To summarize, this game is horrible.  As a result, I recommend it to hoarders and people who hate themselves.  I'm not sure which camp I fall into.  Probably a little of both.

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